So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
