Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
