I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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