We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
