no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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