dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
