Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
