apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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