tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
