The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
