The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
