tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
