Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
