So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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