Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
