I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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