Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
