Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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