Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
