spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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