I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
