I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
