I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
