you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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