think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
