Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
