I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
