Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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