so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
