Can Purell be used as lube?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize