Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
