you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Drake has all the answers
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
