Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
