If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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