just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
