Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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