Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Randomize
