So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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