Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
