dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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