Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
