The brown eye won't let me do that either.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
