Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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