I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
