i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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