don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
