god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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