DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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