Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....