At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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