I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
