there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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