idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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