Little spoons don't ask big questions
operation have a gay friend backfired
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
