saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic