BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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