I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
