The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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